By Christopher Piehler
(June/July 2006) Certain things just look inexplicably beautiful on film: Buildings exploding. Rachel McAdams. Cars going really fast. So it's no mistake that two of June's most anticipated releases are Pixar's Cars and the third film in the Fast and the Furious franchise, Tokyo Drift. In honor of these monuments to motoring, let's ask the immortal question: Who would win a single-elimination drag-racing tournament of the most famous movie cars?
First Round
Herbie the Love Bug (2005 version) vs. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang If Chitty were a racehorse, it would have one of the all-time great bloodlines. After all, the film was based on a novel by spymaster Ian Fleming, with a script by the same Roald Dahl who brought us Willy Wonka. But when the rubber hits the road, a flying roadster full of singing kids is no match for the grinning, zippy, hypercompetitive Herbie (for the record, a 1963 Volkswagen Beetle), who has to carry only the negligible payload that is Lindsay Lohan. Christine vs. The Back to the Future DeLorean In case you missed the classic horror film based on a Stephen King book, Christine is a 1956 Plymouth Fury that kills both passengers and pedestrians. So, yeah, she may be possessed by the devil - but the DeLorean is made of brushed stainless steel, dude! It's got Marty McFly behind the wheel and a flux capacitor! Doc Brown's brainchild opens up a huge lead off the line, but when the DeLorean hits 88 miles per hour, it disappears, leaving behind a trail of flames and its license plate. Christine wins by default, finishing only after a brief detour to run over a defenseless virgin. The Batmobile vs. The General Lee The 2005 Batmobile, 9 feet wide and 16 feet long, has a top speed of 106 miles per hour and can accelerate from 0 to 60 mph in 6 seconds. It has four 44-inch rear tires. The General Lee, by contrast, is a 1969 Dodge Charger that runs, apparently, on moonshine and yellin'. The start is rough, with the Duke Boys' bumpin' and hollerin' negated by the Batmobile's armor plating. We're talking about the General Lee here, so there is, of course, a swamp to leap over using an automated ramp. The airtime costs the Dukes the lead, but then, due perhaps to some pre-race sabotage by Cooter, a report comes that "the Batmobile lost its wheel." With a hearty "yeeha," the Dukes take the checkered flag. (And the Joker gets away.) The Bluesmobile vs. Greased Lightnin'
Greased Lightnin' may be automatic, systematic and hydromatic, but the classic 1950s hot rod is built more for attracting girls in tight sweaters than the kind of automotive mayhem that the Blues Brothers bring to the table. Danny Zucco burns up the quarter mile and then, spotting a flotilla of police cars descending on the track, veers off course to make out with Sandy. Even handicapped by the giant loudspeaker on its roof and the fact that neither of its passengers can see through their sunglasses, the infamous 1974 Dodge Monaco known as the Bluesmobile manages to smash through all the cop cars, finish the race, and get the Brothers to their gig on time to jam with Cab Calloway. Semifinals Christine vs. Herbie A happy Bug or pure automotive evil? No contest. Christine growls her way to a blowout win and celebrates by scalding her pit crew with hot oil. Herbie, exhausted, finally allows Lindsay Lohan to steer, and she crashes the former Love Bug into a passing paparazzo. General Lee vs. The Bluesmobile Featuring two old-fashioned muscle cars and drivers who put the "wreck" back in "reckless," this North vs. South showdown is a dead heat until the General Lee has to freeze to allow Waylon Jennings to offer a bit of narration, giving the Bluesmobile the victory. Final Christine vs. The Bluesmobile She's Satan's sedan. They're on a mission from God. She jumps out to a lead; they burn rubber and draw even. The cars smash into each other. Engines roar. Tires squeal. They are neck and neck coming down to the wire...when both of them are passed by the DeLorean, which reappears just in time to win it all. | 
